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Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
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1:30 pm
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So, it's been a week since we broke up. While I still love him very much, I find myself now being torn in 2 different directions. On one side, I do love him, and he made me happy. He is my best friend-- he supported me, made me laugh, made me feel like I could do anything. And because of those reasons, I want to try to work things out. On the other hand, though, he is at a stagnant point in his life. He sits at his apartment and smokes pot and plays video games. He doesn't respect me enough to stop doing something that he knows I hate. He has a degree that he chooses not to use-- because he is not grown up enough. it is confusing and so, so, so hard.
I don't believe his reason of "it's just not working anymore". I know that there is some other reason. I really think that it is because he wants to be able to do the things that I hate and not have to listen to me tell him not to. And if that is the case, then fine. I think its fucking stupid. He has a lot of growing up to do.
I guess I just have to wait, we'll see what time does.
current mood:  confused
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| Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
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9:20 am
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What do you do when your whole world just crumbled beneath your feet?
I don't have anything to stand on.....
current mood: indescribable
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1:33 am
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Well, in a surprising and painful turn of events, Sam broke up with me tonight. Apparently, he just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. I am really not ready to give up on this yet. I knew that things were not very good right now, but this is not what I expected. I still really think that this can be worked out, but I guess he doesn't feel like that.
Now I just feel stupid for all of things I did for him over the past 6 months. I just feel like shit.
current mood:  crushed
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| Monday, April 17th, 2006
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12:18 am
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I know I havent written in a while, but I need to vent, or ramble or something....
My boyfriend really needs to grow up. He has no financial responsibility and throws a hissy fit every time you try to tell him something that he doesnt agree with. He drinks too much, and smokes weed, which I hate, yet wont stop when I ask him to... or we get into fights about it. He says hell stop when he stops working at the roadhouse, but I dont think i believe him anymore. i am afraid that he is going to turn into one of my uncles.... theyve had their lives ruined because of drug problems. I cant handle that heartbreak again. I feel like i am the only person in this relationship that compromises-- he just does what he wants, regardless of what I say to him. my friends tell me im too nice to him, and i need to be harder, but i cant do that either. it seems like no matter what i do, or what i say... or when i try to speak up for myself, which i do alot... the same things just keep happening all the time. i dont know how much longer i can keep going with this. hes talked about wanting to get married, and have kids and this and that...... but im not marrying him if hes doing this. Hello, hes totally a clone of my dad at his age.... and my dad is an alcoholic--- i saw way too many traumatizing things in my life to put my kids through that... they say you pick out a clone of your dad... well that has been accomplished. i need to find an answer to this- cuz its really getting unbearable. But how do you walk away from someone you love, and who makes you happy 90% of the time, and only have 1 major fault, even if it is a big one? i dont think i can do that. and i dont want to give up on this just like that.........
On top of that, im terrified that I will not get into grad school (btw, i applied at xavier to get a masters in community counseling)... and will have to live in this stagnant life for another 6 months until i can apply again. I always end up feeling like im not good enough. i work my ass on in college, and still only have a 3.0, i study my ass off for the MAT-- the test i need to take to get into xavier-- get 55 or higher on all the tests, and then get a 40 on the real test, only 1 point above what xavier wants. that is not too impressive........... im not sure i would accept me with those stats. the only thing saving me is references, which may or may not be enough.
And now, I need to move again...and am faced with a roommate that may or may not give me the 400 she owes me to pay out the lease we're in. It really makes me sick to my stomach to think about how this might end. ill probably get screwed out of an extra $400 on top of what i already owe. which is awesome, by the way.
whatever....
current mood:  blah
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| Friday, October 21st, 2005
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12:36 pm
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Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday... I havent had time to check the LJ's lately, so I'm a little behind.
But thanks anyway :)
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| Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
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12:36 pm
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So, I made it home alive.
And I get a welcome home party from my allergies...so now I can't breathe from my nose, I sneeze every 10 seconds and have a constant headache. God bless the USA. heh
Other than that though, it's good to be home and see everyone......but I'm ready to go back now :P
current mood:  good
current music: Seether- Love her
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| Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
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9:43 am
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It's my last night in Canberra. Tomorrow afternoon I take a bus to Sydney, where I stay the night, and then fly out Thursday morning.
It's weird to think that I'll be home in less than 2 days.....
I'm so excited to go home; but I'm not sure now that I really want to leave here yet. Not to mention the fact that saying goodbye SUCKS. Cara has been home for a week, and wants to come back already. I think that will be what happens to me too...
I guess I'll start saving up now for my ticket back :)
current mood: excited
current music: Scribe- Dreaming
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| Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
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12:07 am
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So I am officially retarded.
My parents sent me my cell phone charger, so that when I land in LA I can call them. So, I plug in my phone to charge it; and because of the difference in voltage (with Australia's being stronger)...I blew up my phone. Sweet.
So now, I have to get a new phone when I get home. With no money. Fucking awesome.
I rule.
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Silverchair- Faultline
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| Sunday, June 5th, 2005
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12:09 am
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So, I will be home in about 2 and a half weeks. I'm starting to have mixed feelings about it. Obviously, I cannot wait to get home and see my family and my friends; and sort of get back to normal...but at the same time, I'm starting to realize that most of the people I've met here I won't be able to see for a while.
I'm going back to Melbourne on Thursday morning...I'm really excited. I've been super duper bored lately, so it will be so nice to get out of Canberra and go to a city where there is actually shit to do. Only problem is I have NO money. I might have to suck it up and borrow some..because as of right now, I have about $90 until I go home...and I still have to pay for my hostel and everything. Awesome. Guess that's what I get for spending all my money on stupid shit :P
current mood: calm
current music: Harder to breathe- Maroon 5
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| Monday, May 23rd, 2005
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11:31 pm
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Guess who's going back to Melbourne in 2 weeks!
Oh yeah, ME&@!%#&^@%$&^@
current mood: good
current music: Oasis- Champagne Supernova
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| Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
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11:24 pm
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People get of my fucking nerves.
And I want to go home.
current mood: irritated
current music: Snoop Dog- Drop it like its hot
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| Monday, October 11th, 2004
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6:47 pm
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Someone buy me the Aladdin DVD for my birthday, please. It would be much appreciated.
current mood: bored
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| Saturday, October 9th, 2004
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2:37 pm
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Incubus was pretty good, although, I've definitely seen better from them. I don't like the newest album as much as I do the others, and they definitely did not play as much from past albums as they should have. But, it was still a really good show, like I expected from them.
I think I'm coming down with something-- I really hope it's just a cold or something and not the flu, I can't afford to get sick. Luckily today, I had someone work for me tonight so I could leave--which sucks because I really needed the money from tonight, but I'm not going to make good money if I'm serving like shit, which I would be feeling like this. Hopefully, I'll feel better tomorrow and can make some decent money tomorrow night.
It's nights like this when I wish I had someone to come home to and cuddle with :(
current mood:  sick
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| Monday, October 4th, 2004
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11:56 pm
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Not sure how I feel about this one....
How can I fix what is broken?
Or will it remain that way forever?
When can I stare at the sun?
Or will it remain behind the clouds?
Can I say hi to my angel?
Or will she continue to pass me by?
My relationshps remain frayed and fragile.
My mind remains burned.
I still see the back of her wings....
Yet, somehow, I'm ok.
Yet, somehow, I remain,
strong.
current mood: lonely
current music: Evanescence- Thoughtless
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| Sunday, September 26th, 2004
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10:09 am - Definitely not gonna happen...
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You Should Vote For Bush |
(You May Want to Hide This From Your Left-y Blogger Friends) |
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Alanis Morrissette- Mary Jane
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| Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
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11:41 pm
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School started back up today-- I'm happy about that, I can get my mind off of all of the shit that Ive been dealing with.
I can feel myself breaking down again--slowly but surely. I keep throwing myself into things, like work or school, to keep my mind off of it or to stop it from happening, but I cant. I feel broken and unwanted, like a defective Christmas toy that never even made it off the shelf. Everything seemed so promising, then I didnt even get sold during the day after christmas clearance sales. As soon as I fix one problem, there are 3 more to replace it that are even worse than the previous. I don't know that I even have the words, or the energy to try to explain the things that are running through my head right now. Im trying to paddle upstream, but my paddles keep slipping into the water. Im breaking down and I dont know how to fix it. When I started at UC, I decided that I would major in psychology because I thought maybe it would help me figure out what's wrong with me. In a way, it has.. but in many other ways it hasn't. I know the reasons behind why I do things, but I still don't know how to fix them. Some things have always just been harder for me to handle than they would be for other people-- but Im not sure that I would ever actually be diagnosed with a psychological disorder. Maybe disthymia-- a less severe form of depressive disorder, but that still doesn't help me fix the problems that I have. My self-loathing,my total lack of self confidence, my severe trust and betrayal issues, my need to always be in control, even if it means hurting myself. I can love so much-- but I dont think that I deserve that love back. It's all part of it-- but I still have no answers. The only thing that has ever made me feel better, or ever gave me even a beginning to an answer was therapy. I quit going because at the time I thought i was cured-- I know now that it doesnt happen in 10 weeks, I was just starting to make progress, and I stopped going and now Ive regressed back to where i was before. But for some reason, Im scared to go back. I don't really know why Im scared. I just know that I need to put an end to this phase and climb out of this rut that Im in before I get in too deep and have nowhere left to grab.
current mood: disappointed
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| Monday, September 20th, 2004
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8:29 pm
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I just registered for the LSAT on December 4. I feel like throwing up I'm so nervous, and the test is still over 2 months away. Holy hell, I really am going to law school--it feels kind of weird now that it's not just something that is 5 years away still-- its right around the corner. At this time next year, I will be starting my first year of law school. That just sounds bizarre.
Pardon me while I puke.
current mood:  nervous
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| Saturday, September 11th, 2004
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12:25 am
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Word to your mother bitches Im goin to Chi-town..w00t!^%!$#&%!^ I need a vacation SOO badly, even if its just for a few days. Plus, I love hanging with my family from up there, they are so much damn fun. And I get to go shopping on Michigan Ave, which rules tons of ass!!! Im just all around excited to be out of this city and off of work for 4 whole days!!!!
And, the more I think about working at night and taking class during the day, it makes me happier. I am going to have a lot of time to do homework and whatnot... plus on MWF, I don't have class til 1 in the afternoon!!!!!!!! No more 8 oclock classes for me :D:D:D:D:D Word.
K, im tired as balls so Im going to sleep.
current mood: sleepy
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| Thursday, September 9th, 2004
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7:55 pm
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I put in my 2 weeks today at US Bank. I'm kind of sad, actually. Wierd.
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| Monday, September 6th, 2004
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1:55 am
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I realized tonight how fucked up I really am... and I honestly cannot express the depth of my sadness, or how much I feel like absolute, total shit right now. I give up.
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